Monday, September 09, 2019
Hello again. It has been a while dear friend and much has happened. I got away from writing for some reason I guess you could say I let life get in the way. Ive had a lot of ups and downs and throw you arounds over just the past year but even before that life has been somewhat of a challenge. These days it really does feel like a ride. I have delt with a lot in a small amount of time. Sometimes though I do realize that I am over thinking situations. Its hard not to though. Its hard not to want to get an apology for a wrong doing. Its hard to feel like what you do everday doesn't mean anything to anyone. Its hard to remind myself to be motivated and to make changes in my life. However, hard these things may be in my mind, I have to learn to accept them and understand them and live with them in order to be able to heal myself of them. It can be difficult to take a step back and remind yourself to not sweat the small things. Its about breathing, its about going inward and remembering the things you believe in and who you are as a person. I feel as though I lost this person, but I also feel like sometimes I am looking for the person that I used to be instead of the person I have become. I feel so much emotion, its hard to shut it off. That why I feel like I might have turned to the nasty addictions I did. I am healing from those too, but still seem to stumble and fall sometimes. I believe in myself though and know that I am stronger than what I have allowed myself to be. Its hard to see who I am. Drinking seems to numb it but I don't want to drink or smoke to escape. I am trying to find alternatives to make a change. Baby steps. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am smart. I can do this.
Sometimes losing yourself is an important part of learning to discover who you are. Change is hard and can be a tough battle with yourself. Im still learning to coup with the losses and the gains that have happened in the past year. Although I know it is all apart of the journey and have to remember that it is challenges that I face that will ultimately lead me down the right path.
Posted at 10:50 pm by macleanoviatt
Sunday, July 02, 2017
Its been almost a year since I have last written. Things have changed quite a bit over the past 12 months. I now am a mom, have a house out in the suburbs of Portland, and I have a boyfriend. Crazy how the time flies and what can happen in just a short period of time. I look back at my last post that was written and cant help but to laugh at the questions that were asked that are now answered. I put something out in the universe and it came back full circle with an answer. Not just an answer but with actions.
I have the most beautiful baby boy, his name is Orion Lawrence Mack-Oviatt. I decided to have a double last name as Ryan and I are not married and for traveling purposes. I wonder what the future holds with Ryan and I. We get closer each day and it really makes me believe that I finally have my happy ending after all these years.
Posted at 1:30 am by macleanoviatt
Tuesday, July 05, 2016
Sometimes you're reminded that the only person that you truly can count on is yourself. In the passing months I have come to realize that there are some hard roads to cross in the incoming weeks ahead. Can I put past these feelings and just get out there and do what I need to do for myself? I feel like sometimes you wrapped up in the moment and it takes stepping out of the bubble to comprehend what is the best plan. I wonder will I still be living in Oregon? Will I finally get past all the debt in my life? Can I bring my self to be more motivated? Can I get back into shape? Can I actually have another true relationship that I can be excited about and them about me? Will I find the career, the perfect house to call my own? Is this what your late twenties look like...I bunch of what ifs and questions. I wish that I could find the answers I am looking for. Someday.
Posted at 6:37 pm by macleanoviatt
Monday, December 17, 2012
Isnt it funny how the things that people do to you can impact you in some pretty strange ways. Like when you think you know something and are completely off base. When something so small can effect the way you think about life and they dont even know it. CRAZY There must be a way to tune this occurance out without having to shut your whole world down. Maybe its just a lesson that I have to learn. It takes time to realize the things that go on around you, especially when you let your emotions lead before your head. Enough venting its time to move on. I had a clear vision that was handed to me last week and I keep leading astray from that and am not sure why. I need to have some nights to myself and figure things out again. How do I quite the thinking...There must be something.
Posted at 7:00 pm by macleanoviatt